Troll from Olympus

Shit

Usually I only ever come on to Tumblr to bitch knowing full well that nobody reads what I have to say, that being said since I have nothing to bitch about I’ll instead express my worry.

I won’t give details but usually when a friend gives good advice, I stick to it, one friend in particular gives the best advice, but I continue to defy him over and over… I wish I could say I’ve stopped… See yesterday a conversation was had, I was told not to do something, yet I still retain my intention of doing it…

It’s not really my fault I mean I was going to take his advice at one point, there was a slight complication and I am really not a person who is good at turning people down…

So here I am, shit could hit the fan at any moment… 

Worry

Depression is exceedingly common among teenagers. I’ve known this from the beginning, I know I’m not the only one experiencing these things and I try not to be such a drama queen (To no avail). But it’s only recently that I’ve actually seen case studies, a boy and a girl. Let’s call the boy L and the girl A

L: I’ve had a professional close relationship with his mum for many years, she’s kind to me and assists me with my work, recently moved to our school and is an amazing guy, never lets relationships get him down and is always fun to be around, but I found out recently that he’s got clinical depression and anxiety. Never cut but I can understand that not everyone does, it feels really good to be around someone like this, almost brings out another side of me, if you know what I mean… Let’s not worry about that, I just want a reciprocated feeling of friendship from him, and that’s what I’m getting so far. From what I can tell he’s in the recovery stage and he’s not down in the dumps, so if his state is what I have to look forward to I’m excited :)

A: Known her for a few months, noticed cuts on her wrists but she’s always up beat and fun to be around, I thought it might have just been cause of her recent break up. A worrying Facebook post has since convinced me otherwise. My heart jumped when I read it, I think she might be hurting herself. I want to talk to her. I want to make sure she’s ok… I really fucking hope these aren’t romantic feelings because that would be absolutely bad if they were. They’re remnant emotions from what close friendship we once had hopefully.

I feel good about myself today. Exams are over and I’m free for quite a while, life is good and I haven’t cut in a long time, let’s just hope nothing sets me off

New beginning

Second chances are either destined to fail, or absolute in their mediocrity, of course there’s a gradual incline in the level of happiness one might feel after having been given one, but the damage has been done.

I’m eager to start my medication. I’m eager to get through this and be the person I once was, things will never be the same, but I can try my best to make them as similar to that awesome feeling I used to have.

I haven’t been given a second chance yet, with some people it’s not needed, but the majority it certainly is. If once I’m better I do grab on to the arcing rope and leap forth back onto the beaten track, I’ll never make this mistake again, because no one gives a third chance

Close

This is the closest I’ve ever been without a doubt, I really hate the feeling. It’s like, so much build up to nothing? It’s not like I wasn’t going to, she forced me not to.. In a way I still want to, I tried to be as forceful as I could, I don’t know how that’s going to work. I can do this, I know I can… Does anyone even read this shit?

Content vs Contempt

I had quite an interesting conversation today. 

I have a theory regarding emotions. Just like a source of energy, emotions come in varying levels of efficiency and output. E.g. Electric car vs Regular car, love vs happiness. But again like any source of energy, emotions don’t often just run out, they have to be used up or converted. Unlike energy, emotions aren’t easy to use up, they’re much easier to be converted. And in this case, a significant amount of love has turned into hate. Not quite very strong hate. Not the kind you’d kill someone over, just the kind that stems from having your life changed adversely.

I’m well aware that the person I’m referring to will most likely never see the message I’m about to communicate but all the same I wish to communicate it:

Thank you for showing me how weak I can really be. Thank you for tricking me into thinking I had something special enough that I would have to grab and hold on for dear life, but you wouldn’t let me hold on. I slipped and fell, luckily a pedestal spontaneously appeared below me, but it wasn’t enough for you to TRY and destroy me, you had to succeed, you smashed at the pedestal, and the platform I stood on rejected me, threw me hurdling towards the darkness, and there I stayed for quite a time. Trapped in darkness. I sincerely hope your greatest fears consume you, I hope you feel as horrible as I did, I hope you get on the same rooftop I was on, ready to let nature consume me once and for all. 

As dramatic as cutting and attempting suicide sounds, it’s something I did/tried and it’s not something I want to do again. But even now my love is converting into hate, it’s a slow gradual process I’m trying to stop, but as it continues I find myself   trying to lean back and let the process just go right fucking ahead.

Content vs Contempt? Contempt will always win

Transition

Today was neither a good day, nor a bad one. It was average, what I have to get used to this year, going to school early, going to class doing my work, NOT thinking about girls… 

That’s why I really did like today, it’s my first step towards transitioning my life for the better, if I get 95.0 or higher then I get a tattoo paid for by my parents when I’m 18. That is some epic shit, it seems like a pretty hard goal but I know if I stop all this depressive bullshit I can get it easy.

I maintain my confidence in 4 Unit English, I’ve seen my classmates works, they might have slightly more sophisticated themes and ideas, but their overall writing and use of language pales in comparison to mine. I don’t mean to be proud or anything, it’s just the truth… I can work on the themes and boring shit later, time to pinch out a draft.

Manic

So if I were bipolar this would be my equivalent of a manic state (In fact I’m not 100% sure that I’m not) but MUDDDAAAFUCKKAAA I’m kind of insane with happiness right now, well I dunno if it’s happiness but with that little fuzzy feeling in my tummy I can’t help but be happy, I can only assume it’s because I saw my therapist today and he gave me some reassuring advice, I don’t really know what the point of typing this was. YIIEEEW